Chasing Hope

I can't find the motivation to get back to my editing, or rewriting. Sure I'm writing my blog posts, but that's different. That's to share my made-up treatment, which is really a case of trial and error, and to document my condition, in case it turns out to be the Corona Virus, hoping it can help someone.

I still don't know what it is. I don't have a fever... yet. I don't have blue lips... yet. I can still smell and taste. I have all the symptoms of the flu. So it may be the flu. However, I've had the flu before, and I've never had this much trouble breathing before. I'm doing everything I can at home to help my lungs. I'm treating this as bronchitis because I don't know what else to treat it as. I've been chewing raw garlic, constantly applying menthol rub, making and drinking weird concoctions made of ingredients that are supposed to support my lungs. I haven't given up.

I have hope that I will beat this. I've done nothing but work on restoring my breathing and things seem to be going better, but just when I think I'm making progress toward recovery, my chest pain returns stronger and I get depressed. Last night, I read that the former French minister died of Covid-19. He had been stabilized and was feeling better. Yeah... Just like I thought I was feeling better and now I can't breathe again. I rationalized he was much older than me. Then I read the first infant in the US died as well. They did say older people and children were most at risk. Then I read my friend's husband's cousin was only 36 and he just died. Age doesn't really matter.

I just don't have the motivation to work on Reflections, my work in progress. Every time I sit down in front of my laptop, I think What's the point? This still needs months of work. I should be boxing my books and sending them to my book-loving friends. There are no other valuable possessions here. Just books. More importantly, I should be finding someone who would take care of my dogs.

My dogs... What will happen to them? They are used to a certain lifestyle. I've spoiled them a little too much. They're used to getting massages every morning and to their faces being wiped with a paper towel sprayed with almond oil and rose water. I cook them fresh food twice a day. I play with them, maybe a little more than other dog owners do. I wipe their butts after they poop. They don't like their nails being clipped, so I prepare treats, clip one nail a day, and reward them for being such good babies. Until my lungs ran out of air eleven days ago, I used to constantly talk to them, just to see their cute little heads tilt. I used to sing silly made-up songs with their names just to watch them sit there and wag their tails. I carry them to bed one by one every night while whispering how much I love them in their ear, and I tuck them in.

My three dogs are my family, but they are also literally a family: a mommy, a daddy, and a baby. They've never been apart. I got the parents when they were only four weeks old and separated from their mother. Their baby was born in my kitchen and I cut his umbilical cord. They've always been together. If I take one of them out, the other two will sit by door until we get back. They've never been apart. Who would want all three of them together? What kind of life will they have? They may be my puppies, but they're not really puppies anymore; they're getting old. They need peace and love and care, and no one can take care of them like I can because no one knows them better than I do.

My thoughts get darker and darker, and I snap myself back to the present. Now. I'm still here. I hug them, look in their eyes, tell them I love them. Then I start coughing and wheezing again. I get up and repeat the process: lemon, eucalyptus, ginger, garlic... Hope.

Treatment - Taking Control

This is my third blog post describing my symptoms of whatever bug I have had for the last ten days. In my previous post, I left things on Thursday, around midday, so here's how I have been since then:

I tried to take it easy on Thursday. I didn't do much after I added the blog post titled “My Symptoms - Flu or Covid-19. I just lay in bed and read a little, watched a couple episodes of White Collar on DVD, and went out to take short walks in the woods with the dogs. I checked my temperature: no fever.

My breathing was uncomfortable Thursday night, but I was able to take short breaths. It wasn't like the other two times when I would try to inhale, but air wouldn't go in my lungs. I still had all the symptoms of the virus except for the fever and the blue lips. The chills got bad, so I add a couple of blankets even though the weather wasn't cold.

I woke up Friday morning the same way with a sore throat, headache, chest pain, nausea, and sore muscles. I had my smoothie, then my lentil soup with vegetables and lots of garlic. My chest pain and sore muscles became a lot worse as the day went by, and by late afternoon, I was coughing and wheezing and could hardly breathe.

I was supposed to have a tutoring session on Skype, but my student's mother told me she wanted to postpone class until Saturday, providing my student got better, and that both her children, teenagers, had a bad cough and had been to the doctor who had given them medicine for bronchitis. I usually sit in my car and drive a bit down the road to where the internet signal gets stronger for my Skype sessions. I was already in my car down the road when I had this conversation, but given my own condition, I didn't mind the cancellation at all.

I decided to just sit there in the sun and let the sun warm my chest and throat, hoping I would cough less as a result. I called my local pharmacy and asked them if they had inhalers, but they had none left. I spent a couple hours on Twitter, sitting in my car and waiting for the sun to do its magic. And it did. The chest pain was still there, but the coughing diminished and so did the wheezing. I finally went home, boiled some water, and drank it after it had cooled a bit. I also had an apple and a few slices of cheese to go with it before bed time. I read a few hours before I fell asleep with three pillows under my head and shoulders.

Saturday morning, my chest was tight and breathing was difficult, so I had to do something. I tried to find an inhaler online, but nothing was available. Everything was sold out. Still unable to get help from the hospital, I decided to focus on the part of this unknown disease that both bothered me and scared me the most: my breathing. I started looking online for ways to help my lungs. After a while, I decided that since there were no doctors available around me except those in the hospital, I had to take matters into my own hands and treat this as if it were bronchitis.

I googled “homeopathic” and “bronchitis” and came up with several results, the first of which had fifteen different ways to address the issue – Fifteen Practical Bronchitis Home Remedies. I read the whole thing and noticed I was already doing a few of these and I had almost everything I needed to do all the other things on the list. I didn't have chicken for the chicken soup, but I was already having lentil soup every day. My cabin doesn't have a bathtub for the recommended warm baths, but I could take hot showers instead, which I was already doing. I started going through all the steps, one by one.

I washed a lemon really well and cut it into small pieces with its skin. I ate half of the pieces and soaked the other half in some boiled water that had cooled down. I took a spoon of honey with a few sips of my lemon water. I put even more garlic in the soup I was preparing. I applied some vapo on my chest and throat. A short time later, I boiled some water and added a few drops of eucalyptus oil in it. Then I placed a towel over my head and inhaled the steam for a few minutes. I had a bowl of soup.

I had the tutoring appointment from the previous day, so I took care of that and had some more soup when I got back. My coughs were not as frequent as they had been, and that motivated me to continue following the steps. I made some ginger tea, took a hot shower, drank my tea, and went to bed to read. I fell asleep reading. About an hour later, right around midnight, I woke up shaking. I got up and took my temperature: 98.5°F - no fever. The chills got bad, and I ended up falling asleep with four blankets on top of me even though the temperature inside my cabin was already comfortable.

This morning, I woke up feeling less pain in my chest, but I'm still coughing a lot and wheezing. I still have a sore throat, too, but it's not as sore as it was. No nausea or sore muscles right now. I'll go through that whole ritual of home remedies for bronchitis again. I've already done the menthol rub, gargled salt water, and eaten half a lemon with its skin. I'm also drinking a glass of water every hour. Let's see if I can beat this thing.

I'll keep documenting everything and will give another update in two or three days. Please stay safe: don't get close to anyone, wash your hands very frequently, drink lots of water, and, if possible, add garlic, honey, and ginger to your diet.

My Symptoms - Flu or Covid-19?

I'm still here. I still have all the symptoms except the fever and blue lips. My throat is sore, I have shortness of breath, all my muscles ache, I get chills–without the fever, I have nausea, and the dry cough hasn't gone away. This could still just be a cold, but I don't know. They won't test me because I don't have a fever. They tell me to stay at home, but I need help breathing. My local hospital won't let me in because they don't know if I have the virus and they want to protect their existing patients. I understand their not wanting to expose their patients to someone who may or may not have the virus, but their logic is flawed. How can they be sure none of their existing patients already has the virus? Have all their current patients been there for at least fourteen days? It's scary to think how unprepared and ill-equipped hospitals are.

I've had the flu before, and many of its symptoms are similar to what I have now. I've also experienced shortness of breath before, but it was never associated with the flu. In general, I have trouble breathing when the air is stuffy, so I immediately open the windows and breathe comfortably. Now, when I can't breathe, I step outside, where I can feel the fresh air, but when I try to inhale, nothing goes in my lungs. I can't take in the fresh air through my mouth or my nose. This inability to breathe is the worst part of my experience. Everything else is just pain; I can tolerate it. The pressure I put on my chest to take in air makes my chest hurt badly, and it makes me feel like my heart will explode. I haven't been able to take more than a couple deep breaths each day for almost one week.

I've documented everything since my symptoms began to appear. In my last blog post, titled Social Distancing - My Experience, I shared my symptoms up to the morning of Tuesday, March 24^th. Monday night was the worst night in terms of breathing, or has been so far. On Tuesday, I felt relatively fine. All my symptoms were still there but much milder, and my temperature was still normal 98.5°F. I can now say with confidence that my appetite hasn't been the same the last few days. I usually eat well, and, by well, I mean both a good amount and relatively healthful food.

The last few days, I've been only able to take in a few spoonfuls of food. Any more, and I'll feel nauseated. So I eat a little bit every couple of hours. I still go on short walks several times a day, with and without the dogs. The weather has been nice, so the windows have been open all day, allowing the air to circulate in the cabin. I haven't talked to anyone; I've waved to the mail carrier and the neighbors from a distance.

Tuesday night, I slept well. My throat was a little sore and I had a mild headache, but no chills, no nausea, and, thankfully, I didn't experience any shortness of breath. When I got up Wednesday morning, all my muscles felt sore, though. I did some light stretches, and continued my nutritious, immune-boosting diet of fruits, soups, and herbal teas. I've been adding lots of garlic, turmeric, cumin, and black pepper to my soups, usually made with lentils, and lots of vegetables. Still no fever.

Wednesday night, I finished a proofreading job and felt too excited to sleep, so I spent some time on Twitter and went to bed late. I didn't feel sick, but my throat still felt a little sore and I coughed a lot. I don't like to take these cough drops. I usually get a different brand of cough drops, but the store was all out, so I got these ones. They taste good and are effective in soothing the throat, but they numb my throat a little, which makes inhaling even more challenging. I slept a few hours and woke up, this morning, to a sore throat, dry cough, nasal congestion, nausea, and a mild shortness of breath. All my muscles were aching, and still are right now. I gave myself a lymph massage. I'll try to take it easy the rest of the day and just focus on breathing. Maybe I'll get some reading done and walk a little. I still don't have a fever.

I'll keep documenting everything. I may have the flu, but if it is just the flu, and I truly hope it is, I can honestly say I've never had a flu this severe in my whole life.

Social Distancing - My Experience

I'm the most isolated person I know. I'm an introvert, so while most people are having a hard time staying at home in an effort to socially distance themselves and avoid the virus, I'm just doing what I've always done, staying in and doing my work, teaching online and proofreading, and enjoying my hobbies: reading, writing, watching movies, cooking, eating, playing with the dogs, and taking naps.

I generally go out only once a week to buy groceries and trade materials at the library. I've been doing that for almost two years now, since I started living in the woods. Nothing has really changed for me. Now, I'm more careful about keeping my distance when I have the occasional chat with a neighbor or the mailman, and I don't really talk to anyone else. The library is closed, so I don't even chat with the librarian. The only people I spend time with are my students, and that's through Skype.

For the introvert in me, living in the woods is a dream come true. I enjoy the peace, the quiet, the nature, the solitude. This kind of isolation is my lifestyle, not some strategy to avoid a virus. All my time is mine, and mine alone... well, mine and the dogs'. I get to decide how to spend my time. It's really a gift.

On Tuesday, March 17, I was walking the dogs, and one of my neighbors stopped his car to say hi. He asked me something, but I couldn't hear him, so I got closer. Just then he coughed without covering his mouth and I felt I was standing a little too close. His important question, the reason I got closer to him and got coughed on, was “How are the dogs?” I tried not to breathe and didn't want to open my mouth, so I just smiled and gave him a thumb signal. He drove away, and I rushed inside to wash my hands and my whole face with soap and water. I then washed my nose and gargled with hydrogen peroxide, too. I was so angry. How could people be so inconsiderate? I made a smoothie with apple, strawberry, banana, and freshly squeezed oranges. As I drank that, I made lentil soup and added lots of vegetables as well as turmeric, black pepper, and cumin to it. An hour later, I was having soup. I took a Vitamin B12 and an iron supplement with that. I drank water like medicine every hour on the hour for the rest of the day and went to bed after drinking some ginger tea and taking my low-dose aspirin, hoping for the best.

I like things to be clean, so I'm constantly cleaning. Also, I wash my hands a lot... more frequently than most. Why? It's just a habit I've had ever since I can remember. Another reason is I live with three dogs. Consequently, my fingerprints have faded and are almost nonexistent. Also, my hands are always dry because of my constant handwashing.

Wednesday morning, I felt fine. I had another smoothie. I went grocery shopping. At the store, I tried to look for masks and gloves, but that whole aisle was crowded, so I chose to avoid it. I went to get more wipes for cleaning. The shelves were all empty. I went for toilet paper. Empty. In the fruit section, there were only bananas, apples, mandarins, and peaches. I got the first three. In the vegetable section, there was no spinach, zucchini, or broccoli. (Yes. I know zucchini is a fruit, but it's sold in the vegetable section.) Since many of the items I needed were unavailable, I was out of there in ten minutes.

I'd never seen a store so empty. It was depressing. I'd been to the store a week before, and everything had looked normal. I'd bought my regular items, the same amount of everything I buy every week... and no, toilet paper hadn't been on my list, so I hadn't bought any. It was on my list this week, but there was none. I wasn't worried about not having enough food, though. Because of my vertigo, which visits me irregularly, and my inability to drive during a vertigo episode, which may last a few hours to a few weeks, I keep enough canned food for a few weeks for me and for the dogs: canned meats (sardines, tuna, salmon, chicken), canned soups (vegetable soup, chicken soup), and canned vegetables (sweet peas, green beans), and canned fruit, which I don't like much, but it's better than nothing.

On Thursday, I felt fine, and even though all this crap is going on in the world, I decided to keep a positive attitute and be excited about Nowruz, the celebration of spring. After my tutoring session on Skype, which takes place in my car where there's a better internet connection, I went inside thinking about taking a shower and watching something on DVD, but there was thunder, then rain, and it started to get really loud. My dog Hoppoo gets really scared during thunderstorms, so I decided not to leave him alone for a shower. I just put on my pj's and sat to watch a couple of episodes of White Collar. I had turned the sound up to cover that of the thunder but Hoppoo was still shaking. He was leaning against me with his head on my chest. I pressed him between my body and a pillow I held tight behind him, and it made him feel better. I didn't hear the alert on my phone. I didn't get the neighbors' phone call. I generally have terrible reception inside. We usually call each other when there's a tornado alert to make sure everyone has gotten the alert. Suddenly, all three dogs jumped down and ran toward the door barking.

I looked outside. It was pouring. I saw my neighbor holding a flashlight. I opened the door, and he was yelling, “Get out of there! It's gonna hit us any minute!” I didn't have time to put clothes or shoes on. I just took my phone and my car key because that will get the dogs to follow me, and we ran all the way to the shelter, a part of my neighbor's house. I was soaked when I got there and so were the pups. Two neighbors were there. One had his radio on, and we learned that tornado was coming right at us. The dogs were scared. The thunder was really loud and every clap of thunder startled them and made them move around. I was just trying to hold all three of them with my two arms so that they would stay right there with me. There hadn't been time to put their harnesses and leashes on. The man sitting next to me coughed and coughed, and I had nothing to cover my mouth and nose with. My hands were on the dogs. All I could do was turn my face down and away from him.

The tornado passed a few miles north of us. As I got up to leave, another alert came for another tornado. I stayed. The second tornado never happened. There was “no rotation,” the radio said. After a total of ninety minutes, the dogs and I were running back to our cabin in the rain while I was hoping the lightning wouldn't get us. I dried the dogs and went to take a quick shower. I washed my face and body with hot water and soap and gargled Listerine. I wore clean clothes and got out just in time for the change of the year, or Nowruz.

Friday morning, I woke up with a sore throat and a runny nose. With all the talk about the virus, it was scary, but I tried to think about it logically. I'd been sitting for ninety minutes in my wet clothes the night before, so it mades sense for me to have caught a cold. I made my smoothie and started soup. A few hours later, I got a headache, but I'd been having headaches for almost two months, so that was nothing. I didn't feel warm. I looked for a thermometer, and I found one in the box where I keep the dogs' nail clippers and fine-tooth comb. Then I remembered I'd used this thermometer for my dog once. No amount of alcohol would make me want to put that in my mouth after it had been stuck in my dog's butt. I went to bed Friday night, knowing I had done everything I could, nutrition-wise, to boost my immune system and make my “cold” go away, but I experienced chills and mild nausea.

I woke up Saturday and my muscles were sore, like they usually get when I do construction work for a few hours. I thought maybe I hadn't slept right. That can happen with three dogs in my bed. Breathing was a little uncomfortable, too. I wasn't able to take deep breaths. When I tried, I felt pain in my left lung. That had happened before, though. So maybe it was nothing. My throat was still sore, and I had a mild headache. I still didn't feel warm at all. I should be fine, I thought. All this talk about the Corona virus had created fear, and I wasn't going to let it get to me. I continued with my fruits and vegetables and soup and vitamin B12 and my iron supplement. I had to keep my body strong to fight this.

My neighbor stopped by my cabin to tell me he wasn't feeling well. He had a severe cough, and I kept my six-foot distance while talking to him. Apparently, the VA had told him he could go get tested whenever he wanted, but he didn't want to go there because everyone else would be sick, and he didn't  want to expose himself, just in case his cough was related to his precondition and not the virus.

I went to bed a little worried about my neighbor, an old man living alone with lung cancer. I was also feeling very uncomfortable Saturday night, with chills, nausea, and sore muscles, and two hours later, I had to get up because I couldn't breathe. I stepped outside to get air. I had a loose shirt on, but I still felt like it was too tight, and I kept stretching it away from my body. I spent most of Sunday walking outside, trying to breathe. I was stretching my arms above me and on both sides, trying to make room for a deep breath. All day, I managed to get two deep breaths. I still kept eating healthful foods and I used all my reflexology and anatomy knowledge to give myself a lymph massage, which is a manual lymphatic drainage. By nightfall, I was feeling a little better. I went to bed early and read for hours before I fell asleep.

I woke up Monday morning feeling much better, almost normal, whatever normal is. I thought I had dodged the proverbial bullet, but I wanted to keep my immune system strong and I was out of fresh fruit, so I went to the store. I called and asked my neighbors if they needed anything and ended up with a list which complicated things. Usually, when I go to the store, I buy the same products over and over, and I know exactly where everything is located. With this list I'd gotten from the neighbors, my shopping time increased a lot, and it took me almost an hour to find everything and get out. I still managed to stay away from other people as most of them were as cautious as I was. There were a few “covidiots” too, of course, and I did my best to not get close to anyone. I delivered the bags to the neighbors, went home, put the groceries away, and got in the shower. I also got a thermometer: no fever.

I didn't feel well Monday night: exhaustion, nausea, chills, and difficulty breathing. The nausea was stronger than it had been the last few nights, so I got up and made some ginger tea. After I drank it, I went back to bed. An hour later, I had to get up because I couldn't breathe lying down. I stepped outside for some air, but it wasn't enough. I started panicking, and that made things even worse. I tried to calm myself down. I boiled some water and squeezed a fresh lemon in it. I drank that. I sat down and started preparing my notes for the proofreading job I was doing. I worked a couple of hours, but my muscles were too sore to sit, so I went to bed. As I was finally starting to fall asleep, a thunderstorm started around three o'clock in the morning, and Hoppoo got scared. I usually walk around or dance with him, but I had no energy, so I just sat in bed, held him tight against me, squeezing him between my body and a pillow I had my arms wrapped around. (Yes, I sometimes end my sentences with prepositions, and I like it.) It helped him calm down, and, eventually, he fell asleep with his head against my chest. I started dozing off and realized the warmth his head had created on my chest made me feel more comfortable. We slept for about two hours like that, me sitting and him lying almost vertically against my body.

Now I'm up. The dogs have eaten their food, gone out, and are enjoying their regular nap, or what I call their "food coma," and I've just had my smoothie. My back hurts like I've lifted a truck. I have shortness of breath, a mild headache, and a dry cough.

I'll keep documenting this, whatever “this” is. Maybe it will help someone. One thing that has become clear, though, is that if this can happen to me, someone bordering on having obsessive-compulsive disorder when it comes to cleanliness, with my lifestyle, living alone and actively trying to avoid people, it can happen to anyone. A couple of unfortunate incidents, over which I had little control, have resulted in my current state. Please stay away from everyone who isn't living with you, and don't leave the house. 

Nowruz

Throughout the world, so many people have lost loved ones to this virus and so many others are sick. The rest are hopefully staying inside. Some are quietly celebrating the arrival of spring alone, some are fighting for their lives, and others are in mourning. It doesn't even feel like spring is here. It's sad... and quiet... and dark.

It's New Year's Eve in Iran and nobody is celebrating. Nowruz, literally meaning new day, referring to Earth's first day of spring, is special for the people of Iran, no matter where in the world they are. Most of the holidays currently celebrated in Iran are religious, whereas Nowruz, my favorite holiday, is directly related to the earth and to nature.

Everyone prepares for the holiday with a major house cleaning. Once the house is cleaned, people set the “haftseen,” placing seven specific items, all starting with the “s” sound in Farsi, on a table covered with a beautiful fabric called a “termeh.”

On the last Tuesday night of the year, “chaharshanbe soori” (also spelled “suri”), meaning red Wednesday, people jump over a fire, singing, dancing, and hoping for good health in the coming year. The first day of the year is the first day of spring, and the holiday lasts thirteen days into the new year. During this time, everyone visits family members, usually starting with parents, grandparents, then siblings, and finally other relatives during twelve days, and everyone goes out, usually on a picnic, on the thirteenth day to throw out the “sabzeh,” wheat or lentil sprouts, one of the seven items in the “haftseen.”

Integrity

As many members of the writing community know, I support writers any way I can. I read a lot, write book reviews, and help out however I can.

Everything I do and have done in my life somehow relates to languages, words, and books. I like learning languages. My university degrees are in French literature and teaching English. My job has been teaching English, mainly grammar and writing, for over thirty years. My other job has been proofreading for over thirty years. I've been writing for as long as I remember, more professionally in the last decade. I've been reading since I learned to read. It's my favorite hobby.

I'm good at my jobs because I love languages, know grammar, and pay attention to detail. I enjoy teaching and tutoring. Being an introvert, I love proofreading even more because it involves being alone, working from home, and reading.

I have proofread books written in various genres and learned a lot during the process of each assignment about the topic, the author, and human interactions. I've had the pleasure of meeting all kinds of writers from various backgrounds and I've proofread all kinds of books: fiction, memoirs, nonfiction, even textbooks and dictionaries. I'm currently proofreading a book, and I'm looking forward to starting another editing assignment next week.

When I like a book I read or proofread, I write a review. My reviews are always honest, a sincere expression of what I think of a book. I've never written a review in exchange for money or anything else. A few times, authors have sent me a book in exchange for an honest review, and I have read, reviewed, and rated their books just like any other.

I only write reviews for books I like. If I read a book I don't like, I don't write about it. My reviews are more like book recommendations. My reason for writing them is not to offend writers, but to support writers and connect readers and writers. I don't feel the need to give a bad review to a book I didn't like. To be honest, I just don't waste my time with a bad book; I don't finish it, nor do I write a review for it. My logic is that I don't have an unlimited supply of time, so I spend my time only for things I think are worth it.

A while ago I proofread someone's work and recently got to finally write a review for the book. The author didn't take my four-star rating very well. Their response to my four-star rating was to send me a picture of a one-star rating they'd gotten for the book and explain to me that they didn't take things personally because they're aware that people have their own issues.

The irony, to me, was more interesting than anything else. The fact that this person was even comparing these two ratings in their mind showed how bitter they were. The fact that this person was responding to me this way showed how spiteful they were. Yes... personal issues.

What I really wanted to say was, “Lighten up! My four-star rating was higher than your average rating of the book.” I didn't say anything, though. I just thought about it. Why would someone get so upset because they didn't get five stars? My review was positive. I even explained my reason for my rating in the review and the reason was about my personal dislikes. I didn't say anything negative about this book at all. So why?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it comes down to expectations. Just because I proofread a book or consider an author my friend doesn't mean my review or rating of the book will be a certain way. I still review books honestly based on my perception and my likes and dislikes. I'm still me. If you like me for my integrity, respect my choice to maintain it and let it reflect in my work and in my support of what you do. If you expect me to compromise my integrity for you, you will be horribly disappointed. If you feign a friendship with me hoping you will get something I don't believe in, you're wasting valuable time. If you dare question or attack my integrity when things don't go your way, I don't have time for you. I've stood up to powerful corrupt people; I'm still here, resolved, and so is my integrity, unwavered.

Today's Thoughts

My life changed completely after I adopted my dogs. I loved my routine before the dogs, but that doesn't mean I regret having gotten the dogs. I enjoyed spending time with them and taking care of them as soon as I brought them home ten years ago. Before the dogs, every morning, I would go to the gym, shower and get dressed there, and go to work. After work, I would go to my favorite bookstore and read books I couldn't afford to buy until they closed at 11pm. On Fridays and Saturdays, after work, I would go to my coffee shop and read my book there because they always had live music those two nights. I never went out to meet people. Everything I did, I did alone. I liked it that way.

Being an introvert, I cherish the time I spend at home, alone. I read, watch movies, write, play with the dogs, and work on various puzzles. When I was working eighteen hours a day six days a week, I dreamed for a moment alone. I tried to keep Sundays off, but I ended up working a few hours even on Sundays, which was also laundry day and grocery-shopping day and cook-for-the-whole-week day and clean-the-house day and take-the-dogs-to-the-park day. I longed for an hour alone with no responsibility to anyone just to read or write. In those days, the only “reading” for pleasure I did was in the form of audiobooks. I listened to CDs in the car during my commute. The only writing I did was a post on a blog here or there once every few months. I did manage to watch movies at home on DVD, but to save time, I did that while I did my stretches and exercise at home. I only used the gym for its swimming pool every Sunday early morning, and that was after my favorite coffee shop at the beach, where I liked to go for breakfast, permanently closed.

I know many people, particularly extroverts, find this desire to stay at home alone weird, but to each his own. I know it's difficult for them to understand. I get as excited for having alone time as they do when they're invited to a cool party. Now, when I get invited to parties, the struggle begins. If I don't go, they'll get offended. They're my friends, and I don't want to offend them. If I go, I know I won't enjoy myself. I'll stand in a corner and watch everyone have fun while thinking about all the things I wish I were doing at home. Besides, my dogs don't like to be left alone. When I go to work, I have no choice, but parties? I think about them and feel guilty to have left the house to make sure friends weren't offended when my first responsibility is to my babies. I usually find a valid excuse to decline such invitations. I personally don't mind small gatherings where I know everyone and enjoy their company, but even that has a time limit. Anything more than two hours, and the same thoughts start to creep into my mind.

Now, with this virus spreading like wildfire, everyone is talking about social distancing, which makes sense, and I read so many articles on how to stay at home. I know it's difficult for some people, but I don't, or rather can't, understand it. I ask myself Can't these people stand themselves for a couple of weeks? Then I started thinking Maybe they don't love themselves as much as I love myself... which leads to my next thought Do I love myself too much? Am I a narcissist?

Facebook reminded me today that I've been a member for eleven years. I didn't know exactly when I had joined Facebook, but apparently it was March 16, 2009. What I do remember is that everyone I knew was on Facebook then, and they kept telling me to join. I don't regret having opened an account because, shortly after, I found many old friends in different countries that I would probably never see or hear from again if it weren't for social media, or, more specifically, Facebook.

Around the same time, one of my friends told me to get a Twitter account, which I did immediately. I joined, but I was learning how to work with Facebook, so I didn't want to overdo it, and I forgot all about my Twitter account until years later a couple of colleagues asked me my Twitter handle and a while after that one of my students wrote an essay about it, and eventually I saw tweets posted on Facebook. Still, I didn't become active on Twitter until last year in March when Twitter sent me a ten-year anniversary reminder.

By then I was living in the woods and was pleasantly socially distanced from everyone I knew. I thought it might not be a bad idea to learn how Twitter works. I was working on my memoir and decided I should find other writers on Twitter. I didn't know anything about the writing community. I joined and several nice people in the community gave me tips and helped me connect with others. Today, I'm grateful for the friends I've found in the writing community on Twitter. I won't name you, but you know who you are.

Book Review

The Little Book of Awesomeness, by Martin Grosvenor, is an awesome little book composed of two parts. The first is the events in the author's life that lead to the second, Welcome to the Art of Fuseboo, which offers thirty practical steps anyone can follow to attain mental and, to some degree, physical health.

I recommend this book to everyone. It's an easy read, and the author clearly and honestly describes his struggles, with which many of us can relate. He then offers simple ways to shift focus to what really matters.

Book Review

Bits & Pieces by Dawn Hosmer is the story of a girl, Tessa, with an unwanted gift. If she physically touches someone, she will experience flashes of specific colors, each representing that person's pain, abilities, premonitions, or memories. Over the years, she has become a combination of her own identity and all these bits of others, which she has gradually and accidentally acquired. She doesn't go out much and avoids people as much as she can for this very reason, but her therapist encourages her to abandon her solitude and have a social life, so Tessa tries. As soon as she meets someone she believes to be a nice guy and actually connects with him, she also starts having disturbing memories of various women's faces as they are dying, a serial killer's memories, and Tessa has to find out where she picked up this nightmare now living in her head.

This very well-written story is mainly a psychological thriller but contains elements of so many other genres: mystery, supernatural, romance, and suspense. It is fast-paced and has a huge twist. I was hooked from the first page and could not put it down. I highly recommend it to everyone – with a warning: Some of Tessa's memories are very disturbing; they are, after all, those of a sadistic serial killer.

I congratulate Dawn Hosmer on the fantastic job she's done, give this book five stars, and look forward to reading its sequel.

Book Review

Dream Girl, by S.J. Lomas, is the story of Christine and Gabriel, who meet in real life and go on a series of adventures together in their dreams.

This romance / adventure is told from two perspectives, Christine's and Gabriel's, and is set in two different worlds, the real world and the dream world.

I enjoyed reading Dream Girl mainly because it's very well-written in terms of linguistic features, both structure and vocabulary.  I recommend it to young adults, for whom it was written and with whom, I believe, it will resonate, given the age of the characters.